


Amulet

by onlybluecould



Category: London Spy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 15:11:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5421698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlybluecould/pseuds/onlybluecould
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Danny knows he has betrayed a trust, that there is no amulet against Alex’s lingering fear of isolation, but that these past eight months have been the closest thing to such an illogical, mystical thing.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Amulet

**Author's Note:**

> Danny knows he has betrayed a trust, that there is no amulet against Alex’s lingering fear of isolation, but that these past eight months have been the closest thing to such an illogical, mystical thing.

‘I don’t want to.’

‘I only meant…’ Danny steps forward in a panic, not expecting tears.

‘I don’t need to.’

The slight crack in Alex’s voice sends Danny straight to Alex, encircling him with his arms. ‘No, no, I…’

Alex burrows into Danny’s neck. He’s trying to steady his breathing, instead of the heaving, sobbing mess that he’s devolving into. ‘I don’t need to.’

They remain there for a little, Alex continually taking deeper breaths, clutching at Danny’s coat, Danny trying to blink away tears as he strokes Alex’s back, chanting, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ Danny knows he has betrayed a trust, that there is no amulet against Alex’s lingering fear of isolation, but that these past eight months have been the closest thing to such an illogical, mystical thing. Was having Alex answer ‘yes’ worth this? Worth that single awful tear that just fell, that crack in his voice, or the way Alex’s eyes seemed to open wide to all that had hurt in him, Danny now included?

Alex is the first to begin to break the embrace; he shifts back slightly, and they are no longer chest-to-chest, but he continues to grip the back of Danny’s coat. With his forehead still resting on Danny’s shoulder, Alex looks down at their feet: Danny’s right, Alex’s left, Danny’s left, Alex’s right. Right, left, left, right. 1, 2, 2, 1. Patterns and symmetry are amulets for steady breathing.

Danny begins to take a breath to say anything, but Alex talks first, ‘Please, can we go home?’

‘Yes, of course.’ And home always means Danny’s flat, Danny’s bed, their bed. Danny was surprised at the meaning, that Alex, so fastidious in everything, would always want to be at Danny’s flat among his mess.

They finally let go of each other, and Alex is the first to begin walking. As they wind through the streets back to Danny’s flat, Danny makes sure to walk apace with Alex, letting their shoulder brush against each other, coming together, falling away, coming back. Rhythm is an amulet against isolation. The whole way neither says a word.

Back at the flat, Alex and Danny get ready for bed. Alex brushes his teeth for two minutes exactly, and Danny does a general once-over.

Danny is the first to get in bed, sitting with his knees tucked up under his chin. Alex lays beside him, hands folded solemnly over his chest - he has a spot on the ceiling he always focuses on, an indentation resembling an isosceles triangle. Did Danny do that one night? Drunk or high? Messing around with someone? Standing on the bed? Maybe it’s the corner of a glass or a flask? Did that help Danny know, like he said, that they were special? All of these miscellaneous marks, the ticket stubs, the kitsch shot glasses, did they convey to Danny the meaningless of those that came before Alex, or were they imbued with the meaningfulness that Alex was to him?

For once, Alex falls asleep first, and Danny remains awake, his thoughts racing. Alex said he did not believe in soul mates - it’s not even a nice idea. There might be better people out there for both of them, someone else with maximum compatibility. But how can you really find them? And how could you be sure? The uncertainty would eat away at you. That’s why, Danny thought, soul mates was a nice idea, it meant that when you found someone, and you felt a certain way, especially against the backdrop of other failed relationships, you would know: it was objectively right. There had to be some true center to their relationship, something destined, against odds. Who wouldn’t want that? Alex took comfort in the rationality of math, patterns, numbers, and equations, so why throw himself into the murkiness of ‘maybe I’m good with this person, maybe there is someone better, but I’ll stay’?

I don’t want to. I don’t need to.

The words echoed in Danny’s mind, as his body went prostrate, sleep taking over, leaning into Alex, and inhaling the scent of his skin, the scent of Alex’s skin was an amulet against confusion and uncertainty. Danny finally understood.

________________________________________

The next morning, Danny wakes to Alex studying him. Danny knows the look: distinct curiosity hindered by extreme fear of being caught at being vulnerable, by extreme fear of being caught at being fearful, of fearing rejection, of being rejected. First thing’s first, Danny places a kiss on Alex’s shoulder and exhales. Alex shivers at Danny’s breath on his skin, and his shiver causes Danny to take an abrupt intake of breath - he is still amazed at the mere physical responses of Alex’s body.

‘I understand now,’ Danny exhales, ‘I understand what you meant when you said it’s not a nice idea.’ Danny inhales, as he places another kiss on Alex’s shoulder. ‘I choose you. I will choose you every single day. And you…’ Danny stops as tears well up in his eyes. ‘And you…’

‘I choose you. I choose you every single day,’ Alex says as he turns his whole body to Danny.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on my tumblr: http://onlybluecould.tumblr.com/post/134923253821/amulet-london-spy-fic
> 
> This is my first fanfiction. After the shit show that was much of London Spy, I am still so enamored with this show, and cannot stop thinking about it, and am consumed by Alex and Danny’s relationship. I wanted to explore a little further one of my absolute favorite scenes from the whole series. This is an extension of the flashback scene we get of when Danny tells Alex that he should see other people. Please let me know what you think!


End file.
